Monday, September 23, 2013

Defining the Garment: Vagina Neck Things

A while ago my friends and I came up with the concept of a service to inform you of what it is that you are wearing. Such a service would not pass judgments or offer up suggestions, but just, you know, let you know that you happen to be wearing a knee-length pleated pleather skirt with an open-knit black and white striped sweater and maroon faux-suede pointy-toed pumps (real things that I own, all of them). It seems many people don't know how to properly name what it is that they are wearing, and I for one, would like to help them.

So, with that said, now it's time to define a type of garment you'e probably seen, but likely didn't know how to effectively speak about. The garment in question, of course, is vagina-necked things. Usually sweaters, dresses or tops, vagina necks are basically cowl necks (whatever the fuck that is)...but come on, this is such a better name, right?

For those of you who might be confused as to why it would be called a vagina neck...I meannn, use your imagination, yeah? What's round and maybe floppy and...okay, you get it now.

Vagina necks were so named because of the presence of this American Apparel dress in our lives:

We had it in both yellow and red. And by we, I mean my friend, but when you live in a house with five girls, the boundaries of individual closets kind of tend to fall by the wayside. Though the term was coined for this dress, in comparison with other garments, this is a relatively tame vagina neck. Not super floppy. Not really hangin' down too low. 

Behold! UBER vagina neck. 

But don't get it twisted. In addition to being really slutty and cheap looking, the item pictured below is not a vagina necked garment:

Why you ask? It lacks the circular shape, for one, and it also comes down TOO far in the front. It's too floppy. It's no longer vaginal. Now it's just....I don't know what. A little help please, someone?

There are also scarves designed to emulate this look. Yes, I know, technically they are "circle scarves", but you know what else they are? VAGINA NECK SCARVES, that's what.

So there you have it. Go forth and spread the vagina neck knowledge to your friends, family, and strangers on the street (fair warning: you might get slapped). Do you find this concept disgusting? Are you feeling threatened by so much use of the word VAGINA? Does the idea of using it to define something you wear on your body give you the heebie-jeebies, or is it just what you've been waiting for? Holler back, friends. 

BONUS: I Googled "vagina neck dress" and this is what came up. Yes, yes it is a woman dressed in a vagina costume. Am I impressed or am I thoroughly disgusted? I DON'T KNOW.

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