Friday, January 11, 2013

Breaking out of my Friday malaise to make an important PSA about denim:

Greetings, earthlings.

Today, I am feeling uninspired. And lazy. And a little bit in my own head. Sometimes I just like it in there and I don't want to come out and like, interact with the real world. I think this is maybe why I enjoy sleeping so much. Isn't dreaming just so much more fun than anything happening in reality could ever be? It's like watching a very surreal, jumbled movie featuring random people from your life and starring you.

BUT the show must go on. No more succumbing to stupid writer's blog. Today, dear readers, I would like to discuss something essential to leading a happy, healthy, productive life. That, of course, is having a pair (hopefully multiple pairs) of jeans that not only fit, but make you look damn hot. Jeans, and all their various printed, coated and colored incarnations are a staple in any wardrobe, but yet many people are daunted by the task of picking out a good pair. This should not be. We're not talking bathing suit shopping here, people!

Below are some hard-earned rules for denim selection and maintenance.

1. Find a brand you like, and stick to it. I used to have a horrible time picking out denim - like many women, I might even claim to have a "weird body for jeans" - having slim hips, no ass, skinny legs, but a wider waist (sounds hot, right?) makes it hard to find jeans that aren't either too baggy or cutting off my circulation. But then, one day, I found J Brand. And my life changed (cue holy-sounding music). I won't lie, J Brand jeans are fucking expensive, but because I know my size and how they fit like the back of my hand, I can scour the internet for sick dealz on them and not have to worry about getting stuck with a pair of final sale pants that look like shit. This applies to whatever brand you like, but it's worth taking some time to go to a store that carries multiple brands, cuts, etc. and figuring out exactly what works best, sometimes down to the style #. Places like Bloomingdales, Neimans or "Denim Bar" boutiques (which exist in basically every major city) are good for this. That said, don't be closed minded. My newest favorite pair of jeans are by Marc Jacobs, and I didn't even know he made jeans until I stumbled upon them at Century 21. "Make new friends, but keep the old" feels like it applies here.

My one true denim love.

2. Figure out what cut works for you and don't give a fuck whether or not it goes in/out of style. The popularization of skinny jeans was the best thing ever to happen in my life. Okay, maybe that's a SLIGHT exaggeration, but it is a silhouette that works super well with my body. For some women, that's bootcut, wide-leg, boyfriend (which I DESPERATELY want to be able to pull off), straight leg, etc. Flares are kinda gross in my humble opinion, but if that's your thing, you do you. Basically I think the idea of "denim trends" in bullshit and I plan to rock my skinny jeans for the next bazillion years, regardless of what any fashion mag has to say about it.

Boyfriend jeans, why do you look so stupid on me?

3. Win the battle against butt-sag, tummy-chafing and other awful sounding denim problems by purchasing jeans with a solid amount of stretch. A lot of my jeans are like, 98% stretch, but that's because I'm obsessive about having a tight fit. Even if you don't want super tight jeans, having stretch helps them move with your body and keep their shape throughout the day. When you're trying jeans on in the dressing room, they can look great and then after being worn for a few hours, not so much. For this reason, it's worth taking a glance at the tag to see what they're made of before you buy them. Never buy any jeans that are 100% cotton, as they will be sagging off your bod in a matter of hours. Whoever wrote this blog post seems to know what's up on the subject.

4. Fucking wash them. I am notorious for being a bit obsessive when it comes to washing my jeans after every wear. Since moving to New York where I have to visit a coin-operated laundromat full of angry women and screaming babies every time I wanna do a load of laundry, I have relaxed about this. Also some jeans have enough Lycra or whatever in them that they really don't need it and can be worn multiple times without stretching out all that much. But seriously, if you can, it's worth it to wash your jeans after you wear them as much as possible! They just fit so much better. How do people not notice this? Am I taking crazy pills here? If you're worried about this wearing them out, either get over it or just dry them on low. But make sure they are dried all the way before you take them out otherwise they won't get their shape back and THIS DEFEATS THE WHOLE PURPOSE. Phew.

5. Repair the ones you love! I still have my favorite pair of jeans from high school. They no longer fit because HAHA I'm not seventeen anymore and if you still wear the same size you did in high school then I never ever want to speak to you again, but they are amazing and I loved them. They also have a giant hole in the butt. If, by some stroke of god, I could fit into them again, I would take them here to get repaired. A lot of people don't know that this shit exists, and for those people, I am sorry. They fix holes and problem spots of all sizes and shapes, so that once you do find your perfect pair and decide to drop some coin on them, they can be rejuvenated after you get drunk and fall on your ass and rip them open. Not speaking from experience here or anything...

6. Or make them into new articles of clothing. Earlier in high school, when I was a big bigger, I got my first ever pair of designer jeans and I was the most excited person on earth. They were lightwash Sevens with huge flares (I didn't say they were cool, I just said they were designer) and a couple years ago when I encountered them in my attic, I found that they did, in fact, still fit (yeah, yeah I just contradicted myself, whatever). Of course, they were fugly as shit. UNLESS, of course, they were cut into shorts! So now I have some cute little Seven denim shorts for the summer that also happen to have many, many weird memories of being fourteen attached to them. Moral of the story: always think about ways to repurpose.

This chick is rocking denim on denim WHICH I HATE, but I'll forgive her because she's hot and those cutoffs are amazeballs.

7. If you can't or don't want to repurpose (due to aforementioned memories of being fourteen, perhaps?) and they're in decent shape, SELL THEM. I've made great money selling old designer jeans and other clothes to my favorite consignment shop in DC, Secondi.  Also, go shop at these places! One girl's trash is another chick's treasure.


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