Sunday, January 27, 2013

Help! I'm hungover and I can't get up.

Why hello blogosphere!

Today I'm going to talk to you about something very important: what to put on your bod when you are hungover as shit and feel like you're going to die if you move any more than is absolutely necessary. This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart, and as my close friends would tell you, I have cultivated a hungover look that is quite distinct in its ability to signal to any observer that I feel like absolute shitballs, but that I'm not givin' up hope completely. It's a delicate balance, of course. This may also be because whatever percentage of the time I am NOT hungover, I generally try to put in a solid amount of effort into my appearance - hair, makeup, outfit of some kind, etc. But when I am hungover all this pretty much goes by the wayside. Liberating? Maybe. But more often than not, this look can only really be developed out of genuine necessity. Things like 9 AM class on Friday morning, informal sorority chapter and pretty much any/every Sunday are the perfect times for a hungover ensemble. And if you're not hungover enough to need one? Well, then, you my friend are DOING IT WRONG. Come back when you have your life together, please!

My hungover outfits typically look something like this:

Shiny leggings and oversized everything.

Notice how this is just toeing the line between complete shambles and some semblance of normalcy. You don't want to just be wearing regular clothes, because you're hungover and inevitably look like shit and you don't want there to be any confusion about your knowledge of that fact. If you're dressed normal but look like death, people might think that's just how you look. And also, you're fucking hungover and you FEEL LIKE DEATH, so why would you ever want to put on jeans or worse, a dress??? You wouldn't. You want to put on leggings because as soon as you are done doing whatever required you to get dressed in the first place, you can have a seamless transition back into your bed/couch without any pants changing required. Brilliant, isn't it? Sweatpants should really only be worn in the most dire of situations. Like, you're on your hungover death bed but if you miss one more class you're going to fail college and legitimately not graduate and be disowned by your parents. Or if you're driving home from a wild weekend in Canada. Then it's allowed. Because we all know what happens in car rides home from Canada stays in car rides home from Canada.

An important note: sunglasses are EXTREMELY key in these types of situations. Sure, there's the whole sensitivity to light thing, but there's a whole host of other reasons to utilize sunglasses. First, it hides your poor little hungover face from observers of it, which is good because you're probably just trying to get from point A to point B and back to your aforementioned couch without a whole lot of obstacles. Sunglasses not only add to your fuck-off vibe 100% but keep you from being easily recognized, which is an important thing on say, a college campus where you probably know every third person you (pretend not to) see. The bigger and more obnoxious the sunglass, the better, I say. Also? It doesn't matter if it's not actually sunny. Having lived in what is basically the Arctic Tundra for four years I can definitely testify to having worn hungover sunglasses quite literally rain or shine. Because, fuck it. I'M HUNGOVER.

While I hope this was inspirational to all of you, finding your own unique hungover style is a task every woman has to tackle on her own, and I wish you each luck in your hungover endeavors. Whether it's getting a burrito at Chipotle or getting to chapter on time, we all have tasks we must complete under the residual effects of a good night out. And not to alarm those of you who haven't made it there yet, but it seems that in the real world people are required to still appear to be normal, functioning members of society on Friday mornings. It's a rather bizarre ritual that I personally don't like at all. Time for a change in 2013? I think so. I think so.

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